To My Hypothetical Descendants of the Future and to Whom it May Concern in the Present, I Opposed Donald Trump

It is the morning of the American presidential election of 2016, and the race is too close to call. USA Today just put up a poll showing nihilist defense attorney Hillary Clinton with a three-and-a-half point lead on fascist reality TV star Donald Trump, but Trump seems to be racking up first downs like an air raid college football team. He’s got first-and-goal on the Clinton 8-yard line with 12 seconds left and no timeouts.

(For future people who may not understand football, the situation was, Hillary Clinton, a heavy favorite, had blown a large lead and was on the verge of getting stunned at the last second).

Bottom line is, it still looks like Hillary is going to win, but the possibility of a President Trump still seems real enough that I feel compelled to put something on the record, so my hypothetical children and grandchildren can know where I stood on the matter of Donald Trump’s presidential candidacy, without having to ask.

Well, I opposed it from beginning to end, privately and publicly. I was #NeverTrump all the way. Put plainly, Trump is unfit to be president from every angle. He is reckless, vain and vulgar. He never has any idea what he’s talking about. He has no policy ideas that survive even the most cursory line of questioning. He’s a whiner. He reacts to criticism like a scorned middle schooler. He doesn’t read books. He has looked at a group of 10-year-olds and predicted aloud that he’d be dating one of them eventually. He talked about dating his own daughter. Many women say he sexually assaulted them, which would have been more difficult to believe had he not bragged about doing exactly that. He eats fried chicken with a fork. He seems like he’s on drugs, and if I had to guess, I’d peg it as an upper and a downer, and when he’s at his rallies the upper is all he needs, but when he’s at a debate he has to balance them out, and he can never get the dosages right. The Ku Klux Klan loves him. His suits don’t fit. He’s not a conservative. His favorite world leaders are all dictators. His biggest supporters are actual, swastika-bearing Nazis. He says America is falling apart, but it’s not, and even if it was he’d be the last to find out.

Trump is going to win my demographic — straight white Christian males 25-34 in the Midwest and South — and many others. I’ve been infuriated and ashamed by the many attempts I’ve seen to promote Trump as the candidate for Christians. To bend scripture as far as you need to bend it to make it suggest Trump is the Christian Choice is cynical, manipulative and dishonest. Anybody who complains about our country’s declining morality and votes for Trump is a sellout. And that’s fine. Sometimes you gotta sell out. But just know you’ve sold all that now. It’s gone. And politicians and the media no longer have to care about it, because there was nobody else holding the line. It would be less sad if those values had been sold out in support of a morally bankrupt-but-otherwise-qualified candidate, but they weren’t. They were sold out in support of a famous buffoon who lacked only the red nose and the oversized shoes. It is as sad as it could be.

What this has been about, all along, is stopping Hillary Clinton, which is a worthwhile goal. It is an important job whose work is not over on Wednesday morning, regardless of the outcome of the election. Politically, Hillary is just an old Democrat, like any other. She’s got a rote progressive agenda with no original ideas and a lot of shallow cheerleading by outfits like the Huffington Post. In other words, Hillary is every Democrat of my lifetime.

(For future readers, the Huffington Post was a news website aimed at 24-year-old women who thought they were too smart for Buzzfeed, but weren’t).

(Buzzfeed was like if cotton candy was a news website).

(Cotton candy was sugar mixed with air).

The trouble with Hillary is that she can’t be trusted to obey the law (as is the case with Trump) or advance her agenda through transparent-and-not-sneaky-as-hell engagement with the public. It’s tough to say exactly how corrupt Hillary is, but everyone agrees it’s a question of how, not whether. Like Barack Obama before her, Clinton’s idea of a government is a collection of committees, a series of small groups of Top Experts who Know All the Right Things and can decide what’s best for everyone, with Herself sitting at the head of the table. If Richard Nixon couldn’t be trusted, Hillary Clinton sure can’t. She should definitely not be president of the United States, and would almost certainly not be if the Republicans had nominated anyone else from their party. All Republicans had to do was roll out a relatively likable person who could perform a reasonably believable act as a Red State Republican. That’s all.

But … the Republicans put up a clown.

I’m a conservative, basically, though I’m starting to suspect that term means something much different to me than it does to Republicans. I think smaller, less centralized government is better than larger, more centralized government. I think as long as you’re not harming someone else, whatever you’re doing ought to be your business. I think free speech and property rights are the cornerstones of a free society. At the same time, I think the markets need watchdogs, be it the government, the media or both, and those watchdogs need to have some kind of a moral code. Unopposed by any morality, I think Capitalism will eventually eat itself.  I think the so-called War on Drugs is doing far more harm than good to American society. And I think, on a practical level, we’re a prosperous country with a lot of natural resources and massive infrastructure. We’re in a position where we can, without much strain, provide some safety nets for our least fortunate, and we should do that, and we do do that. We should take great care to make sure we are not fertilizing the growth of a permanent dependent class (whether inadvertently or on purpose), but we have made it through our Industrial Revolution. We can take a breather and clean up a little. Plant some flowers.

I’m not belittling the #NeverHillary sentiment, but — and I’m being serious here — I think I’m a lot more likely to die in an explosion if Trump becomes president.

I think Trump knows nothing about the Constitution, and cares even less. He continually encourages his supporters to commit acts of violence if they don’t get their way. He’s incapable of discussing substantive ideas and gets his pweshus wittle feewings hurt any time someone makes fun of him.

Trump’s entire pathetic brand is built on ripping off the desperate and the gullible. His whole campaign is based on cheap rage and fear, directed at … at … at … it doesn’t even matter. He made a big bet that he could convince Americans there was a boogeyman in the closet, and he pretty much turned out to be right.

So let this exist as a record that not everybody in my demographic fell for this plastic scam.