The Mario Chalmers rap video is 40 percent of what I expected

I have just learned that Mario Chalmers has recently released a music video of some sort. I am overcome with emotion. On the one hand, I am surprised, because I had no idea Mario Chalmers had any musical ambitions or talent. On the other, I am not surprised this did not stop Mario Chalmers from creating a music video and releasing it to the public.

I say all this having not yet watched the video. I will here in a second, but I wanted to get my raw emotions down on the screen before I did. I assume this video is going to depict Mario as being extremely suave. I believe this is how Mario sees himself and would like to be perceived by others. This is not going to be the Allen Iverson rap posture, all hardcore and aggressive. It’s going to be a lot more like Deion Sanders is “Must be the Money.” I will be 68 percent surprised if at any point in the video we see Mario without his sunglasses on.

I am also aware Grantland has written something about this video. I consciously chose not to read that before watching it, or writing this post. I want my perceptions of this thing to be unmolested.

And away we go.

Well, Mario has stoicism down. I mean, he’s got that down pat. In the opening seconds of that video, his face looks exactly the way it looked every time he was talking to the media – like he can’t wait for this to end.

Uh … I don’t think that’s his voice, guys. I certainly could be wrong, but that doesn’t sound like Mario Chalmers’ speaking voice at all. If I’m right about this, it means that someone other than Mario Chalmers wrote and performed a rap song about Mario Chalmers, which makes me feel … confused.

This is Mario Chalmers’ speaking voice:

The lyrics are probably not worth discussing, especially because I have my doubts Chalmers is the one rapping them and also because 99 percent of rap lyrics are meaningless regurgitations of the same old BS. That’s the really amazing thing about the genre. There are creative people within it, but for some reason nobody tries to imitate those people. Most bad rappers are imitating other bad rappers. The genre has a serious self-awareness problem.

My initial assumptions were about 40 percent correct. I overestimated the creative ambitions of this video (and my estimations were not high). I thought the video would be slightly more abstract than Mario dribbling a basketball in dress clothes, even though I do have to admit this is something I have never seen before. I have seen Mario dribble a basketball, and I have seen him in dress clothing, but never have I seen those two Marios in conjunction.

I also was wrong about the sunglasses.

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