What if pizza didn’t exist?

I am here to change your life.

"I am here to change your life."

My girlfriend, Abby, known colloquially as “The Babe,” asked an important and interesting question over a triangular formation of bread, tomatoes, cheese and meat recently:

“If pizza didn’t exist, what would take it’s place?”

To be more specific, when you invited six of your grade-school friends over for a sleepover, what kind of party would it be? If you didn’t feel like making dinner and just wanted to watch a movie, what kind of delivery would you order? If you had been drinking a bunch of (root) beer with your buddies and got hungry, who would you call late at night?

Should have gone with the pizza instead of the Whopper.

Should have gone with the pizza instead of the Whopper.

I think the answers are somewhat plain: It would be no kind of party, you would not order any delivery and you would call no one.

Whoever invented pizza, I think, also invented (or at least popularized), the delivery meal. I don’t think Jimmy Johns would be delivering sandwiches today if pizza places hadn’t started delivering pizzas.

Instead, you probably would make some hot dogs, make yourself a sandwich or just go into the kitchen and start melting cheese on top of things. Sometimes, you would order chinese, but people have to be in a certain mood to each chinese food, and those moods typically strike only four or five times per year*.

* I have absolutely no scientific evidence to support this.

Life wouldn’t totally suck, because you wouldn’t know any better. But, like with cell phones and the Interwebs, once you’ve got it, you can’t imagine life without it.

And, because I have nothing else to say: a list.

Best non-national pizza places in Lawrence, Kansas:

1. Papa Keno’s

2. Wheat State

3. Johnny’s Tavern

4. Pyramid Pizza

5. Rudy’s

6. Pizza Shuttle

34. Gumby’s.


2 thoughts on “What if pizza didn’t exist?

  1. speaking of life without pizza should be treason or something. pizza goes back to 1889 (google it) and it was considered a peasants meal before that. i’m glad to be a peasant and eat my pizza. you can only have taco bell and chicken fries so many times. talking about what to eat at parties, i’m wondering what would have been eaten if ken’s pizza wouldn’t have been around before and/or after game time in high school. the year central went to state or sub state or whatever it’s called, we ate fazoli’s pizza before every game. wonder where we would have been w/o it.

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