MANswers: An insult to humanity

I’m just going to get right to it, here. “MANswers” a SpikeTV show, might be the stupidest, most intellectually insulting thing I’ve ever seen on television. Note: I’ve seen an episode of “Rock of Love.”

Watch this:

Amid the explosions and the yelling and the bad grammar, this video asks the question: How big do boobs have to be to crush a beer can? It then suggests that this is a question that has puzzled “dudes” for centuries (“dude,” apparently, is the only word that men use to describe or address other men).

I don’t know who these dudes are that have been wondering about this. I know that such a thought has never crossed my mind.  There is no reason to ponder this, because knowing how large a breast would have to be in order to crush a beer can doesn’t help you understand anything about anything else. It’s totally arbitrary. They could do 100 episodes based on this premise.

  • HOW BIG DO BOOBS HAVE TO BE TO KILL A SQUIRREL!? (Explosion!)
  • HOW BIG DO BOOBS HAVE TO BE DO BREAK A SMALL CHILD’S ARM!? (Explosion!)
  • HOW BIG DO BOOBS HAVE TO BE TO AFFECT THE GAS MILEAGE OF A FORD FUSION!? (Exploding Ford Contour!)

They’ve badly misjudged the male interest in breasts. I don’t think men are generally interested in the scientific properties of them, only in seeing them and touching them (with the occasional “real or fake?” argument thrown in). If this were a segment about how to make that happen, I think men would be a lot more interested.

The logic, here, seems to be this: Men like boobs. Men will like anything pertaining to boobs.

I like grilled chicken breasts, too, but I don’t really care how many of them it would take to sink a row boat.

And then we get this, the “Dump of Death” segment.

Now, I think we’ve all had our share of laughs over pooping. If there’s a good narrative to your story, and the central element is a dump you took, that’s OK*. But the reason we like dumping stories is because it’s a shared human experience to which everybody can relate, not because we’re actually intersted in the excrement itself, or in the process.

*Best dumping story I’ve ever heard:

A guy has to go really, really badly. It’s to the point that he’s either going to find a bathroom or crap his pants. He has lost control. So his wife pulls into a mall parking lot and the guy goes shuffling in, trying not to crap his pants on the way in.

But it’s on its way. It’s a race against time. He shuffles into the bathroom, bursts into a stall, yanks his pants down … and sees a pair of feet between his shoes.

This story is courtesy my high school buddy, James Alexander, who was not the man in question.

I’ve never wondered, Is it possible to take a crap so big you die trying to take it? And even if I had wondered that, I think I would have guessed that, although it’s possible to die while taking a dump, it probably isn’t going to be the dump itself that kills you.

I get that most business models cater to the lowest common demonimator. That’s capitalism. It’s why we have Applebee’s, the Chevy Cobalt and “According to Jim.” Even newspapers are supposedly written at an eighth-grade level. I get that.

But I think the denominator on MANswers is not common. This the lowest of the low. I think the people who watch this show are the kinds of guys who aspire to be strip club bouncers, think demolition derbies are awesome and go to Hooter’s to hit on the waitresses. Maybe these are the people who bought all those Kid Rock albums. I don’t know. I don’t know anybody who owns a Kid Rock album, but I imagine them to be the kind of person who would watch MANswers and hit on Hooter’s waitresses.

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4 thoughts on “MANswers: An insult to humanity

  1. I think the concept of MANswers was created by a bunch of drunk frat boys.

    I love how they said men have wondered how big of a boob it takes to destroy a beer can for centuries…when beer cans have only been around since 1935.

  2. Cub this a hilarious article. You know who I could really see liking that show? Zac and Jon Lovett. It’s right up their ally

  3. That’s a good dumping story, but I must confess, when I started reading “I guy has to go really really badly . . .” I was hoping it was going to be this story that happened to a buddy of mine:

    A guy has to go really really badly. Unfortunately, he’s on a double date with his girlfriend of 4 months and his high school buddy and his buddy’s wife, and they’re at this guy’s house talking and hanging out with no end in sight. After 15 minutes and countless stomach rumblings, he finally summons the courage to tell his girlfriend, his buddy, and his buddy’s wife that he’s not feeling too good, so he and his girlfriend better call it a night.

    They say their goodbyes, and are headed back to his house. His stomach is getting worse and worse, but they’re still far east of Hutchinson on 30th street with no restroom available for miles. When he can’t take it any longer, he pulls over, tells his girlfriend that under no circumstances should she look down into the ditch, and takes a literally explosive deuce in the ditch off 30th street while cars go carreening past. Perhaps most unfortunately, he had forgotten to bring anything even resembling toilet paper, and was forced to return to both his car and to his girlfriend of 4 months shirtless.

  4. i’m glad you remembered that story, and yes it’s true, and yes the guy it happened to has had 1,000 other things happen to him that were equally strange, unbelievable, and hilarious. like the time he was drying off from a shower and his wife’s hot curling iron welded itself to his johnson. true.

    and yes, tully, you speak for all of us. hmm. most of us. that show is the worst. so far, its best contribution to society has been your funny blog i just read about it.

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