In real time, I watch The View

I learn what The View is all about.

I learn what The View is all about.

Everything I know about The View, I learned from watching The Soup. Alas, the show is on in three minutes, and I will watch it and chronicle my first-ever Viewing.

Let’s roll.

10:01 — A bunch of celebrities are involved in some cat fights, apparently, the first having to do with Beyonce singing “At Last” at Obama’s inauguration. Eta James, the original singer, is livid over this.

10:03 — Elizabeth Hasselbeck chimes in, wearing all black with, like, a white bib. She looks like a pilgrim. I think she would be taken more seriously if she wasn’t pretty, especially by Whoopi Goldberg.

10:05 — “Why aren’t women supporting women, why aren’t women behind one another? It’s because we’re too busy doing stuff like that.” — Hasselbeck.

10:06 — The difference between Whoopi Goldberg and Bill Cosby at this point is negligible, at best. Incidentally, people take Whoopi pretty seriously.

10:08 – Now Ashley Judd is going after Sarah Palin over wolf killings in Alaska. I think Palin would be taken more seriously if she wasn’t pretty. Not surprisingly, Hasselbeck knows that the wolf killings were related to saving the caribou population. She then wonders why Judd is upset about this and not abortion, which gets the rest of them all hot and bothered. You might say they are like wolves to Hasselbeck’s caribou, here. They shout her down immediately, suggesting that she is not allowed to say that.

“Is this a socialist table, here?” she asks.

Um, yes?

Here, Hasselbeck shows a classically conservative unwillingness to consider why people don’t believe the same things that she does, and the rest of them show a classically liberal eagerness to yell over ideas they don’t like. Hasselbeck should have known, and probably did, that this assertion would be lambasted. I’m not saying she’s wrong, but she’s got to understand her team a little better.

10:15 — Whoopi: “I know what happens when the wolves come out and there’s too many of them.” So does Hasselbeck.

10:16 — Joy is actually trying to argue that Palin has some kind of malice against wolves. Think about that. Totally unnecessary, malicious wolf killings sponsored by the governor of Alaska. Why would that happen? It’s preposterous.

10:18 — “God knows I love life, because I’ve had a lot of abortions.” — The woman whose name I don’t know. Wow.

10:22 — Joy thinks Paula Abdul has hemorrhoids because she stands up a lot during American Idol.

Just to make sure we’re keeping track, things Joy thinks:

  • That because wolves are being killed in Alaska, Sarah Palin arbitrarily hates wolves, sort of the way Michael Scott hates Toby.
  • That because Paula Abdul stands up a lot, she obviously has hemorrhoids.

10:28 — Blah, blah, blah, blah.

Because I have nothing else to say, remember when Hasselbeck was on the second season of Survivor? She was the only reason I and my high school buddies watched that show. In fact, I haven’t watched a single episode since the second season ended.

Now, well, she seems like a nice woman. I’m sure she’s a good mother and wife. But she doesn’t understand argument at all. She’s purely idealogical and emotional. She just thinks that if she hits somebody over the head with something enough times, that they will eventually agree with her. She’s uninterested in understanding why people believ what they believe. I wish she weren’t like this.

10:37 — Cuba Gooding, Jr. is on a world tour trying to prove that he’s still black. He’s like a black guy acting like a white guy who’s acting black

He just called Larry Fitzgerald, “Fitzpatrick,” apparently the redheaded Irish Cardinals receiver.

Every now and then, he’ll do something exactly like Bill Cosby. Funny, we never see him and Goldberg on screen at the same time.

He’s kind of a douchebag.

10:53 — They just finished some Dancing with the Stars segment in which the black woman with all the abortions danced with this latin hunk. I will never get back the last three  minutes of my life.

10:54 — Is Sarah Jessica Parker the most idealized woman in popular American culture?

I think so. And I think it has to do with three things:

  • Her character on Sex and the City, obviously.
  • That she’s kind of attractive, but not, like, really attractive. Women hate really attractive women.
  • Her voice is girlish. That voice doesn’t sound like one that could be mean.

10:58 — The show wraps up.

I have to say, I’ve been thinking about this show for an hour, now, and its primary appeal is obviously Hasselbeck.  She has this girl-next-door quality about her, yet she’s married to a former NFL quarterback and she’s strongly and ridigly opinionated and occasionally bombastic, yet unwaveringly nice.  She’s also chronically pregnant but not fat. Women want to be like that.

Women watch her and feel it all — resentment, jealousy, outrage, empathy. She is in many ways the Western ideal of a woman, yet she subscribes to a worldview that many would consider repressionary.

She’s the opposite of Whoopi Goldberg in every possible way, which makes for a dichotomy for a viewing audience. No woman wants to be Whoopi Goldberg, but a lot of women would like to think that she represents them in some way, even if most of the viewing audience cannot relate in the least to Goldberg’s plight as a black, lesbian Bill Cosby.

So that’s what I learned on The View today.

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