How to Know if You’re Fat

If you’re like me, you’ve probably stopped mid-bratwurst and asked yourself, “Am I fat?”

Now, that question is easily answered quantitatively. Some simple measurements and caluculations can tell you whether you are overweight.

But that is not really the question, is it? The question really is, “Do other people think I’m fat?” which is much more complex.

From conversations with numerous females and gay men, I have discovered a simple way of answering this question. If, when describing you to someone who has not met you, acquaintances say that you are a) really nice or b) funny, then your friends probably think you’re fat, especially if the context of the description involved your love life.

Description (a) is really more of a female fat camouflage. Though it can apply to males, it is highly desirable for fat men to be funny. We need fat men to be funny, because fat men are taken less seriously than skinny men, thus, even if they are not particularly comedic, we will use that descriptor.

Granted, this could mean that you are not fat, you are just ugly. Although skinny, ugly people (men especially) are more likely to be described as “smart” than “funny.”

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