Fearing Commitment

Among my handful of fears — snakes, snakes on a plane, “Snakes on a Plane,” Hilary Clinton and ferrets — is committment.

This is not uncommon. I am a man, which means that I have outward genitalia. It also means that entering committed relationships is completely terrifying to me.

Here’s why: Every guy has seen one of his buddies meet a girl who seems really cool. She’s upbeat, easy-going, and smiles a lot. Guys really like girls who smile a lot. And who laugh at our jokes. There is no quicker way to score points with a man than by thinking he is funny, or at least pretending to think so.

Anyway, the two start spending a lot of time together, after a tug of war and a barrage of insults hurled at the man from his buddies, Man and Woman enter something called a “relationship” which is an old Cherokee word meaning, “castration.” It’s as if the guy has lost a piece of his soul. The buddies will call to request his presence for certain manly rituals like going to football games or, perhaps, shooting cars with paintball guns. But the guy starts bringing his girlfriend along, which totally kills the vibe every time. I’ve covered this before, but guys are not the same people when girls are around.

Invariably, the girl starts finding little things she’d like to change about her boyfriend. He resists and, eventually, she’s completely non-pleasable, complaining about everything thing he wants to do and accusing him of not caring about her, which at the core, is usually not true. He’s just given her an inch, seen her take a mile and isn’t going to give her the second inch.

So this is bothersome. And I’ll leave it at that.

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