Bathroom Fouls

Originally posted 9.26.2006

I just got out of the first floor men’s room in Henderson, the one that was either a) originally a women’s bathroom, b) built before the invention of urinals, or c) designed by someone unaware that men generally stand up to pee.

Anyway, I go in there for just that purpose and gag as I walk in. Some kid is in there dropping a hellacious deuce. This is the kind that you drop in your roommate’s bathroom because you might need to use yours in the next 6 hours and because you enjoy seeing him suffer. This deuce would be considered vandalism in 19 states.

So then the guy does something I was totally unprepared for: He exits the stall before I leave the bathroom. I could be off here, but if people are coughing as you walk in, you don’t want them to be able to attatch a face to the damage.

As a refresher, the basic men’s room rules:

1. Never use a urinal directly next to another guy unless you have no other options. The farther away you can get, the better.

2. Newspapers are to be folded once and tucked in the space between the stall door and the wall. Do not leave with the paper. Do not place it on the ground. This usually gets it wet, thereby keeping anyone else from reading it.

3. If a deuce in on the loose, leave it in a remote bathroom with low traffic. Possible exception: If you have some kind of contest going on with your coworkers/classmates/roommates or you have a bone to pick with somebody.

4. No grunting, groaning or otherwise audibly letting your relief be known. Know that if you do this, everyone else in the room is entitled by law to mock and exaggerate your noises.

5. Flush. Twice if necessary.

6. No whistling. Maybe this was OK in 1952. Not now. There are appropriate times to whistle — when looking at an engine or new paint job, at a woman in a skirt, at a basketball game — while wizzing is not one of the acceptable times. It’s creepy and makes everyone wonder what’s making you so jolly.


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